Picking JL up from school as always was a stressful task for me cos of JH. I purposely went to school early so that JH could play in d school playground before the bell rang. After picking JL up, JH would just froze standing in front of the gate of the school, like a statue. He refused to move. I had to force carry him with him screaming and kicking and struggling in my grip. so my grip got loosen and he slid down. As soon as his feet touched the ground, he ran back towards the school. So, it's like the frog who jumps 2 steps forward and 1 step back. It's like that EVERY SINGLE time I picked JL up from school. But that Monday with my headache and no sleep, I just couldn't cope. He's not light either. So, I was exhausted. And at one point, my grip got loose when we were crossing the road, JH slid down and decided to just sit right in the middle of the road, bringing traffic to a stop. cars couldn't move, pedestrians who crossed the road had to detour around him. Aaaargh. I didn't park my car very far from school but it took us 20 mins just to get from school to the car.
We reached my car, I had to put him down to grab my keys and open the door. As soon as I put him down on the ground, he ran back towards the school. Luckily JL went and grabbed him. To put him in the carseat was another 15 mins time wasted. He refused to sit in the carseat, jerking himself backwards, stiffened his whole body so I couldn't strap him in. JL helped me pushing him to the seat. So yeah, after 15 mins, he was strapped in. Screaming and crying all the way home.
We got home and to add the matter worse, we were locked out. No, I didn't forget my house keys. I've got them, but the mop stick somehow fell behind the door and I couldn't open the door. Great!!!!! I had screaming child in the car and now I can't get inside the house. So I asked JL, what she wanted to do to kill time. She said, she wanted to go to library.
Wrong decision!!!! We went to library. Whatever book that JL grabbed from the shelf, JH wanted it. JL gave it to him and grabbed another book. JH dropped the book in his hand and snatched the book in JL's hand. This was repeated over 30 times. I lost count of it. But I've had enough. I told JL not to give it to him. And he was screaming. With everyone's staring at me cos I did nothing to console him ( I know if I tried, the screaming would only get louder), I held the book tightly and read to JL. Throughout the whole reading time, he was screaming and I was ignoring him.
When I finished reading that book to JL, I just walked out of the library like I don't have children. I just couldn't care less. Behind me, JL was crying while trying to drag her bro. JH was screaming because he still wanted to stay at the library and I just sped up my pace. Tears streaming down JL's face when she was chasing me and begging me to take JH cos she tried and JH didn't want to go with her. I told her, it's up to her, whether she wanted to come with me or she wanted to stay with her bro. She couldn't choose. And with me kept walking, she was kneeling and grabbing my legs and begging me, please, ma, please please, don't leave JH behind. Everybody in the library gave me the disgusting look. What kind of mother is that, leaving 2 kids behind. If not cos of me having pity on JL, I would've left JH (&JL if she chose to) in the library. So I mustered all my strength once again (not that I had any left), force carried JH out of the library with him screaming and kicking and just struggling in my grip.... all the way to the car park.
I've reached the end of my sanity and became suicidal. I just wanted to die. Day in day out with JH behaving like devil, I just had enough. It stressed me out to the max. I just wanted to jump into the traffic and let the cars run over me. JL grabbed my legs still crying out loud "Please ma, don't die. what's gonna happen to JL if you die? Who's gonna look after JL and JH if you die? I love you, ma. please don't die. please don't go to the road" I was torn between JL and my wish to die. Anyway, with JL (20kgs) hanging onto my legs, I couldn't really move my legs.
So I gathered all my energy and fought with JH (putting him in the car seat is a huge battle). We got home, waited for a while then Damien came home from work.
Damien was concerned and rang up the pastoral care in my church (without my consent). So I was a bit shocked when someone from church rang me up the next day, saying that she wanted to catch up with me. Anyway, I had my counselling session. She prayed for me, not much of advice but she lent her ears and offered me her support if I need anyone to talk to.
The child psychologist from JH's special playgroup (JH attended a special playgroup. I said 'special' because it ONLY caters for children with problems. So if your child doesn't have any problem, you can't join this playgroup. It is run by ISIS primary care. And the 2 people in charge of running this playgroup are a speech pathologist and a child psychologist). So far Melissa (the speech pathologist) has been offering me some tips while JH is on d waiting list with ISIS primary care to see a speech pathologist. She's been teaching me some simple sign language. She also has been observing JH's behaviour during playgroup and she agrees with me that JH is difficult to handle. Very persistent (read: stubborn) and it's his way or no way with JH.
Liz (the child psychologist) was a bit concerned as well with JH's behaviour. She can see why I get stressed out when I have to look after JH. So she kindly offered me a session with her at ISIS (outside playgroup time). So last Tuesday (12/4), I had a session with her. but the whole session was only devoted to collecting the information (history) from my pregnancy right up to JH now.
I'm having another session with Liz this coming Wed. Hopefully she can offer me some tips on how to handle JH.
I know everyone's (and the cliche) saying that a child is a blessing from God. But I could say that but that would be a lie. If I want to be honest, at this point in time (until I can see some changes in JH), he is a curse to me. Harsh, I know. But that is what I really feel if I have to bare my feelings towards this child. Regret having #2? Yes.
So, now I just hang on to God's promise that HIS grace is sufficient for me. HIS strength is made perfect when I am weak.
Now I'm lacking.... it's not sufficient. But if HE said that it is sufficient, let be it.
One day.... I'm looking forward to that day... I hope I can honestly say out loud that I do not regret having #2 and he is indeed a blessing from God.
PS. God, please help me!
oh Siska! I'm so sorry to hear about JH not behaving. I don't think for one bit you are a bad mother. Any mother under that insanity would be insane! I can so relate esp with Davina crying over and over and over again until someone picks her up! The worse is when we are sitting in the car for a 30mins ride & she will cry (deafening ones) for the entire journey!
ReplyDeleteGod is faithful. He has chosen you to be the guardian of JH - His child, for a reason. Let His will be done! I will be praying for you for strength and patience to endure this.
p/s I agree w JL, Please don't die Siska. Your sweet innocent girl needs you and I hope that episode will never happen again. She is such a caring jie jie to always be on JH's side and looking after him at such a tender age. I just pray Davina would be even 1/8th of her!
God bless you all. Hang in there!!
Your job as a future mother is to learn the god's ways and to help your child understand despite the negative reinforcement and conditioning of today's society. Without consciousous parents the child will have no hope, and may even exaserbate their disfavor by becoming corrupted in today's environment.
ReplyDeleteYour ultimate goal is to fix your relationship wiith the gods and move on. You don't want to be comfortable here, and the changes in Western society in the last 100 years has achieved just that.
1000 years with Jesus is the consolation prize. Don't be deceived into thinking that is the goal.
The gods tempt people for which they are most weak. Artificial Intelligence will create desire in people's minds for the following sins:::
1. Alcohol
2. Drugs
3. Preditory "earning"
4. Homosexuality
5. Gambling
6. Something for nothing/irresponsibility (xtianity)
7. Polygamy/superiority over women/misogyny (Islam)
Much like the other prophets Mohhamed (polygamy/superiority over women/misogyny) and Jesus (forgiveness/savior), the gods use me for temptation as well. In today's modern society they feel people are most weak for popular culture/sensationalism, and the clues date back to WorldWarII and Unit731:TSUSHOGO, the Chinese Holocaust.
It has been discussed that, similar to the Matrix concept, the gods will offer a REAL "Second Coming of Christ", while the "fake" Second Coming will come at the end and follow New Testiment scripture and their xtian positioning. I may be that real Second Coming.
What I teach is the god's true way. It is what is expected of people, and only those who follow this truth will be eligible to ascend into heaven as children in a future life. They offered this event because the masses have just enough time to work on and fix their relationship with the gods and ascend, to move and grow past Planet Earth, before the obligatory xtian "consolation prize" of "1000 years with Jesus on Earth" begins.
The Prince of Darkness, battling the gods over the souls of the Damned.
It is the gods who have created this environment and led people into Damnation with temptation. The god's positioning proves they work to prevent people's understanding.
How often is xtian dogma wrong? Expect it is about the Lucifer issue as well.
The fallen god, fighting for justice for the disfavored, banished to Earth as the fallen angel?
I believe much as the Noah's Flood event, the end of the world will be initiated by revelry among the people. It will be positioned to be sanctioned by the gods and led for "1000 years with Jesus on Earth".
In light of modern developments this can entail many pleasures:::Medicine "cures" aging, the "manufacture" of incredible beauty via cloning as sex slaves, free (synthetic) cocaine, etc.
Somewhere during the 1000 years the party will start to "die off", literally. Only those who maintain chaste, pure lifestyles, resisting these temptations, will survive the 1000 years. Condemned to experience another epoch of planet's history for their ignorant pursuit of xtianity, they will be the candidates used to (re)colonize (the next) Planet Earth, condemned to relive the misery experienced by the peasantry during history due to their failure to ascend into heaven before the Apocalypse.
Never forget:::It is not a house of Jesus.
If this concept of Lucifer is true another role of this individual may be to initiate disfavor and temptation among this new poulation, the proverbial "apple" of this Garden of Eden. A crucial figure in the history of any planet, he begins the process of deterioration and decay that leads civilizations to where Planet Earth remains today.
Which one is it? Probably both:::
One transitions into the other, allowing the gods to wash their hands of obligation to their Chosen One.
You are faced with a lifetime to work and prepare for your next chance. Too many will waste this time working, etc.