Child psychologist

I was suicidal 2 Mondays ago. I was just not coping with JH. I came home from work to find JH already awake. *sigh*. He wanted to open the fridge door. I asked him to grab what he wanted and shut the door. He didn't want to take anything out of d fridge. He just wanted to open d door. I shut it. He opened it. I shut it again. He opened it again. I just left him and went to my room otherwise I would've exploded. JL took over and tried to reason with him and tried to get him to shut the fridge door, to a point that JL cried out and prayed outloud, "God, please help JL. JL is not strong anymore. JL loves JH, but he can't do this to JL" My heart ached when I heard the whole episode outside. To cut the story short, the fridge door was opened for half an hour before he was willing to shut it.

Picking JL up from school as always was a stressful task for me cos of JH. I purposely went to school early so that JH could play in d school playground before the bell rang. After picking JL up, JH would just froze standing in front of the gate of the school, like a statue. He refused to move. I had to force carry him with him screaming and kicking and struggling in my grip. so my grip got loosen and he slid down. As soon as his feet touched the ground, he ran back towards the school. So, it's like the frog who jumps 2 steps forward and 1 step back. It's like that EVERY SINGLE time I picked JL up from school. But that Monday with my headache and no sleep, I just couldn't cope. He's not light either. So, I was exhausted. And at one point, my grip got loose when we were crossing the road, JH slid down and decided to just sit right in the middle of the road, bringing traffic to a stop. cars couldn't move, pedestrians who crossed the road had to detour around him. Aaaargh. I didn't park my car very far from school but it took us 20 mins just to get from school to the car. 

We reached my car, I had to put him down to grab my keys and open the door. As soon as I put him down on the ground, he ran back towards the school. Luckily JL went and grabbed him. To put him in the carseat was another 15 mins time wasted. He refused to sit in the carseat, jerking himself backwards, stiffened his whole body so I couldn't strap him in. JL helped me pushing him to the seat. So yeah, after 15 mins, he was strapped in. Screaming and crying all the way home.

We got home and to add the matter worse, we were locked out. No, I didn't forget my house keys. I've got them, but the mop stick somehow fell behind the door and I couldn't open the door. Great!!!!! I had screaming child in the car and now I can't get inside the house. So I asked JL, what she wanted to do to kill time. She said, she wanted to go to library. 

Wrong decision!!!! We went to library. Whatever book that JL grabbed from the shelf, JH wanted it. JL gave it to him and grabbed another book. JH dropped the book in his hand and snatched the book in JL's hand. This was repeated over 30 times. I lost count of it. But I've had enough. I told JL not to give it to him. And he was screaming. With everyone's staring at me cos I did nothing to console him ( I know if I tried, the screaming would only get louder), I held the book tightly and read to JL. Throughout the whole reading time, he was screaming and I was ignoring him. 

When I finished reading that book to JL, I just walked out of the library like I don't have children. I just couldn't care less. Behind me, JL was crying while trying to drag her bro. JH was screaming because he still wanted to stay at the library and I just sped up my pace. Tears streaming down JL's face when she was chasing me and begging me to take JH cos she tried and JH didn't want to go with her. I told her, it's up to her, whether she wanted to come with me or she wanted to stay with her bro. She couldn't choose. And with me kept walking, she was kneeling and grabbing my legs and begging me, please, ma, please please, don't leave JH behind. Everybody in the library gave me the disgusting look. What kind of mother is that, leaving 2 kids behind. If not cos of me having pity on JL, I would've left JH (&JL if she chose to) in the library. So I mustered all my strength once again (not that I had any left), force carried JH out of the library with him screaming and kicking and just struggling in my grip.... all the way to the car park.

I've reached the end of my sanity and became suicidal. I just wanted to die. Day in day out with JH behaving like devil, I just had enough. It stressed me out to the max. I just wanted to jump into the traffic and let the cars run over me. JL grabbed my legs still crying out loud "Please ma, don't die. what's gonna happen to JL if you die? Who's gonna look after JL and JH if you die? I love you, ma. please don't die. please don't go to the road" I was torn between JL and my wish to die. Anyway, with JL (20kgs) hanging onto my legs, I couldn't really move my legs. 

So I gathered all my energy and fought with JH (putting him in the car seat is a huge battle). We got home, waited for a while then Damien came home from work.

Damien was concerned and rang up the pastoral care in my church (without my consent). So I was a bit shocked when someone from church rang me up the next day, saying that she wanted to catch up with me. Anyway, I had my counselling session. She prayed for me, not much of advice but she lent her ears and offered me her support if I need anyone to talk to.

The child psychologist from JH's special playgroup (JH attended a special playgroup. I said 'special' because it ONLY caters for children with problems. So if your child doesn't have any problem, you can't join this playgroup. It is run by ISIS primary care. And the 2 people in charge of running this playgroup are a speech pathologist and a child psychologist). So far Melissa (the speech pathologist) has been offering me some tips while JH is on d waiting list with ISIS primary care to see a speech pathologist. She's been teaching me some simple sign language. She also has been observing JH's behaviour during playgroup and she agrees with me that JH is difficult to handle. Very persistent (read: stubborn) and it's his way or no way with JH.

Liz (the child psychologist) was a bit concerned as well with JH's behaviour. She can see why I get stressed out when I have to look after JH. So she kindly offered me a session with her at ISIS (outside playgroup time). So last Tuesday (12/4), I had a session with her. but the whole session was only devoted to collecting the information (history) from my pregnancy right up to JH now.

I'm having another session with Liz this coming Wed. Hopefully she can offer me some tips on how to handle JH. 

I know everyone's (and the cliche) saying that a child is a blessing from God. But I could say that but that would be a lie. If I want to be honest, at this point in time (until I can see some changes in JH), he is a curse to me. Harsh, I know. But that is what I really feel if I have to bare my feelings towards this child. Regret having #2? Yes. 

So, now I just hang on to God's promise that HIS grace is sufficient for me. HIS strength is made perfect when I am weak. 

Now I'm lacking.... it's not sufficient. But if HE said that it is sufficient, let be it. 

One day.... I'm looking forward to that day... I hope I can honestly say out loud that I do not regret having #2 and he is indeed a blessing from God. 

PS. God, please help me!

It's all worth it when....

When I started working graveyard shift when JL was 4 mths old, almost everyone that I know told me that I won't last long. Max would be 6 months before I resigned.

Why?
1. Working 5 nights a week from 10pm to 6am is just so wrong. Only zombies do that. and though I do look like zombie sometimes, I still am a human which is not nocturnal. My body is designed to sleep during the night and working at those wee hours means I won't be sleeping during the night for 5 out of 7 nights a week

2. My job as a cleaner is a physical job. So I'll be dead tired when I come home from work

3. I come home to a then 4 month old daughter. With hubby's gone to work, I was looking after JL all by myself without much sleep. Only for 3 out of 12 months I got some help from my mother. But for the rest of the year, I was pretty much alone... until hubby comes home from work, then we change shift cos I need to get my 2 hours sleep to get ready for another night of work.

Looking at all the reasons above, no one in their right mind will do this. I don't have much choice. I was tempted to work during the day but because I want to look after my kids, I had no choice but to stick with this kind of arrangement.

I should've bet with all those ppl who said I would resign within 6 months. cos now I've been doing this job for almost 5 years. JL just turned 5, four days ago.

Is it worth working the owl hours? If I have to answer that, my answer would be NO! Not worth it... all the stress you get from looking after the kids plus the lack of sleep plus the fatigue. No matter which angle you're looking at it from, it's not worth it...

Until... last week, out of the blue, JL approached me and said, "Thanks, mum!" I asked, "For what?"
She said, "For working at night and not sleep so that you can look after me and JH." Whoaaa.... where did this come from? I'm not prepared for this. So, I asked, "What do you mean?" She said with some tears on her eyes while hugging me, "I saw my friends whose mums rather put them with someone else so that they can work during the day like daddy. Their mums didn't want to work at night like you. so, thank you, mum... for not putting me and JH with someone else cos I don't want other people looking after me and JH. I want my mum looking after me and JH"

Hearing that just wiped off all the arguments in my head. I used to regret doing this job... but not anymore, not since last week when she said that to me. then I am convinced it's worth being an owl in this family

JL is officially a Preppie!!!!

JL was excited... Who wouldn't??? She's been complaining that the holiday was too long. And she looked forward to her first day of school.

So finally Friday was here... 4th of Feb 2011 was JL's first day of school. She's in Prep. She goes to public school. Her parents can't afford private school, so she has to go to public school. I'm determined that even though she goes to public school, she will be just as smart as those students whose parents pay a fortune and go to private school. The number of criticisms and being looked down and advices from others that I got for sending her to public school is enormous. Basically almost everyone that I talked to told me that I really shouldn't send her to public school. Well... those ppl are not willing to contribute to JL's school fees. so SHUT UP, ppl!!!! If the private school will take JL in with whatever I can pay as their school fees, I would've sent her there. But too bad, they are not willing to take just $215 per year for school fees. And you ppl who only can suggest of sending her to private school are not willing to contribute either. so????? work that out! either she goes to public school or she's home schooling and I'm not prepared to home-school her.

I'm not a competitive parent when it comes to academic achievement. But now thanks to you all, I'm determined to show you that she'll do just as well as your kids. But having said that, I still will NOT do what my mum did to me. Mum was so competitive that my childhood was ruined (though to her, that's an achievement, nothing is ruined). JL deserves a childhood. I'll encourage and guide her but won't stress her out. She can learn at her own pace.

Play station 2

I know... I know... how ancient is that, right???

We've never owned any game consoles before. Not even Atari.

And now we're in the era of Nintendo Wii and Xbox Kinect.... Damien went and bought PS 2 (with 6 games included) for $30 from a garage sale

I want a Kinect, but I guess it'll be a while for Kinect to cost $30. LOL!

Anyway, that $30 brought laughter into this house. What annoys me is that when Damien plays, he has to be the commentator as well. Now that's ANNOYINGGGGG!!!! LOL