Child psychologist

I was suicidal 2 Mondays ago. I was just not coping with JH. I came home from work to find JH already awake. *sigh*. He wanted to open the fridge door. I asked him to grab what he wanted and shut the door. He didn't want to take anything out of d fridge. He just wanted to open d door. I shut it. He opened it. I shut it again. He opened it again. I just left him and went to my room otherwise I would've exploded. JL took over and tried to reason with him and tried to get him to shut the fridge door, to a point that JL cried out and prayed outloud, "God, please help JL. JL is not strong anymore. JL loves JH, but he can't do this to JL" My heart ached when I heard the whole episode outside. To cut the story short, the fridge door was opened for half an hour before he was willing to shut it.

Picking JL up from school as always was a stressful task for me cos of JH. I purposely went to school early so that JH could play in d school playground before the bell rang. After picking JL up, JH would just froze standing in front of the gate of the school, like a statue. He refused to move. I had to force carry him with him screaming and kicking and struggling in my grip. so my grip got loosen and he slid down. As soon as his feet touched the ground, he ran back towards the school. So, it's like the frog who jumps 2 steps forward and 1 step back. It's like that EVERY SINGLE time I picked JL up from school. But that Monday with my headache and no sleep, I just couldn't cope. He's not light either. So, I was exhausted. And at one point, my grip got loose when we were crossing the road, JH slid down and decided to just sit right in the middle of the road, bringing traffic to a stop. cars couldn't move, pedestrians who crossed the road had to detour around him. Aaaargh. I didn't park my car very far from school but it took us 20 mins just to get from school to the car. 

We reached my car, I had to put him down to grab my keys and open the door. As soon as I put him down on the ground, he ran back towards the school. Luckily JL went and grabbed him. To put him in the carseat was another 15 mins time wasted. He refused to sit in the carseat, jerking himself backwards, stiffened his whole body so I couldn't strap him in. JL helped me pushing him to the seat. So yeah, after 15 mins, he was strapped in. Screaming and crying all the way home.

We got home and to add the matter worse, we were locked out. No, I didn't forget my house keys. I've got them, but the mop stick somehow fell behind the door and I couldn't open the door. Great!!!!! I had screaming child in the car and now I can't get inside the house. So I asked JL, what she wanted to do to kill time. She said, she wanted to go to library. 

Wrong decision!!!! We went to library. Whatever book that JL grabbed from the shelf, JH wanted it. JL gave it to him and grabbed another book. JH dropped the book in his hand and snatched the book in JL's hand. This was repeated over 30 times. I lost count of it. But I've had enough. I told JL not to give it to him. And he was screaming. With everyone's staring at me cos I did nothing to console him ( I know if I tried, the screaming would only get louder), I held the book tightly and read to JL. Throughout the whole reading time, he was screaming and I was ignoring him. 

When I finished reading that book to JL, I just walked out of the library like I don't have children. I just couldn't care less. Behind me, JL was crying while trying to drag her bro. JH was screaming because he still wanted to stay at the library and I just sped up my pace. Tears streaming down JL's face when she was chasing me and begging me to take JH cos she tried and JH didn't want to go with her. I told her, it's up to her, whether she wanted to come with me or she wanted to stay with her bro. She couldn't choose. And with me kept walking, she was kneeling and grabbing my legs and begging me, please, ma, please please, don't leave JH behind. Everybody in the library gave me the disgusting look. What kind of mother is that, leaving 2 kids behind. If not cos of me having pity on JL, I would've left JH (&JL if she chose to) in the library. So I mustered all my strength once again (not that I had any left), force carried JH out of the library with him screaming and kicking and just struggling in my grip.... all the way to the car park.

I've reached the end of my sanity and became suicidal. I just wanted to die. Day in day out with JH behaving like devil, I just had enough. It stressed me out to the max. I just wanted to jump into the traffic and let the cars run over me. JL grabbed my legs still crying out loud "Please ma, don't die. what's gonna happen to JL if you die? Who's gonna look after JL and JH if you die? I love you, ma. please don't die. please don't go to the road" I was torn between JL and my wish to die. Anyway, with JL (20kgs) hanging onto my legs, I couldn't really move my legs. 

So I gathered all my energy and fought with JH (putting him in the car seat is a huge battle). We got home, waited for a while then Damien came home from work.

Damien was concerned and rang up the pastoral care in my church (without my consent). So I was a bit shocked when someone from church rang me up the next day, saying that she wanted to catch up with me. Anyway, I had my counselling session. She prayed for me, not much of advice but she lent her ears and offered me her support if I need anyone to talk to.

The child psychologist from JH's special playgroup (JH attended a special playgroup. I said 'special' because it ONLY caters for children with problems. So if your child doesn't have any problem, you can't join this playgroup. It is run by ISIS primary care. And the 2 people in charge of running this playgroup are a speech pathologist and a child psychologist). So far Melissa (the speech pathologist) has been offering me some tips while JH is on d waiting list with ISIS primary care to see a speech pathologist. She's been teaching me some simple sign language. She also has been observing JH's behaviour during playgroup and she agrees with me that JH is difficult to handle. Very persistent (read: stubborn) and it's his way or no way with JH.

Liz (the child psychologist) was a bit concerned as well with JH's behaviour. She can see why I get stressed out when I have to look after JH. So she kindly offered me a session with her at ISIS (outside playgroup time). So last Tuesday (12/4), I had a session with her. but the whole session was only devoted to collecting the information (history) from my pregnancy right up to JH now.

I'm having another session with Liz this coming Wed. Hopefully she can offer me some tips on how to handle JH. 

I know everyone's (and the cliche) saying that a child is a blessing from God. But I could say that but that would be a lie. If I want to be honest, at this point in time (until I can see some changes in JH), he is a curse to me. Harsh, I know. But that is what I really feel if I have to bare my feelings towards this child. Regret having #2? Yes. 

So, now I just hang on to God's promise that HIS grace is sufficient for me. HIS strength is made perfect when I am weak. 

Now I'm lacking.... it's not sufficient. But if HE said that it is sufficient, let be it. 

One day.... I'm looking forward to that day... I hope I can honestly say out loud that I do not regret having #2 and he is indeed a blessing from God. 

PS. God, please help me!

It's all worth it when....

When I started working graveyard shift when JL was 4 mths old, almost everyone that I know told me that I won't last long. Max would be 6 months before I resigned.

Why?
1. Working 5 nights a week from 10pm to 6am is just so wrong. Only zombies do that. and though I do look like zombie sometimes, I still am a human which is not nocturnal. My body is designed to sleep during the night and working at those wee hours means I won't be sleeping during the night for 5 out of 7 nights a week

2. My job as a cleaner is a physical job. So I'll be dead tired when I come home from work

3. I come home to a then 4 month old daughter. With hubby's gone to work, I was looking after JL all by myself without much sleep. Only for 3 out of 12 months I got some help from my mother. But for the rest of the year, I was pretty much alone... until hubby comes home from work, then we change shift cos I need to get my 2 hours sleep to get ready for another night of work.

Looking at all the reasons above, no one in their right mind will do this. I don't have much choice. I was tempted to work during the day but because I want to look after my kids, I had no choice but to stick with this kind of arrangement.

I should've bet with all those ppl who said I would resign within 6 months. cos now I've been doing this job for almost 5 years. JL just turned 5, four days ago.

Is it worth working the owl hours? If I have to answer that, my answer would be NO! Not worth it... all the stress you get from looking after the kids plus the lack of sleep plus the fatigue. No matter which angle you're looking at it from, it's not worth it...

Until... last week, out of the blue, JL approached me and said, "Thanks, mum!" I asked, "For what?"
She said, "For working at night and not sleep so that you can look after me and JH." Whoaaa.... where did this come from? I'm not prepared for this. So, I asked, "What do you mean?" She said with some tears on her eyes while hugging me, "I saw my friends whose mums rather put them with someone else so that they can work during the day like daddy. Their mums didn't want to work at night like you. so, thank you, mum... for not putting me and JH with someone else cos I don't want other people looking after me and JH. I want my mum looking after me and JH"

Hearing that just wiped off all the arguments in my head. I used to regret doing this job... but not anymore, not since last week when she said that to me. then I am convinced it's worth being an owl in this family

JL is officially a Preppie!!!!

JL was excited... Who wouldn't??? She's been complaining that the holiday was too long. And she looked forward to her first day of school.

So finally Friday was here... 4th of Feb 2011 was JL's first day of school. She's in Prep. She goes to public school. Her parents can't afford private school, so she has to go to public school. I'm determined that even though she goes to public school, she will be just as smart as those students whose parents pay a fortune and go to private school. The number of criticisms and being looked down and advices from others that I got for sending her to public school is enormous. Basically almost everyone that I talked to told me that I really shouldn't send her to public school. Well... those ppl are not willing to contribute to JL's school fees. so SHUT UP, ppl!!!! If the private school will take JL in with whatever I can pay as their school fees, I would've sent her there. But too bad, they are not willing to take just $215 per year for school fees. And you ppl who only can suggest of sending her to private school are not willing to contribute either. so????? work that out! either she goes to public school or she's home schooling and I'm not prepared to home-school her.

I'm not a competitive parent when it comes to academic achievement. But now thanks to you all, I'm determined to show you that she'll do just as well as your kids. But having said that, I still will NOT do what my mum did to me. Mum was so competitive that my childhood was ruined (though to her, that's an achievement, nothing is ruined). JL deserves a childhood. I'll encourage and guide her but won't stress her out. She can learn at her own pace.

Play station 2

I know... I know... how ancient is that, right???

We've never owned any game consoles before. Not even Atari.

And now we're in the era of Nintendo Wii and Xbox Kinect.... Damien went and bought PS 2 (with 6 games included) for $30 from a garage sale

I want a Kinect, but I guess it'll be a while for Kinect to cost $30. LOL!

Anyway, that $30 brought laughter into this house. What annoys me is that when Damien plays, he has to be the commentator as well. Now that's ANNOYINGGGGG!!!! LOL

Piggyback is FUN!!!!

Piggyback is fun, not for the piggy though

Don't you just love cuddles and kisses? I do!

I WON!!!!

I entered the competition on Leonny's website (http://www.oureverydaythings.com/) not expecting anything. The prize was this cute sandwich cutter.... Luck was on my side apparently. This was the 2nd time I won prize from Leonny's website. Few years ago, I won the polliwalk shoes that JL is still wearing until now. And now I won this. Thank you, Leonny! Your blog has been an inspiration to many parents out there. The godly examples that you've set has helped many, myself included. Keep shining for HIM!!!!

New fashion

This was what happened when JL dressed JH up. pink everywhere...

Reading time

JH doesn't really like reading books yet. But one of the few books that he would sit through is this one... Wake up JEFF!!!!

Reading 'Wake up Jeff' book

JL - loves Dora the explorer

JL watching Dora

Playing in the park

We were bored at home (this was during school holiday), so we decided to go for a walk and stop by a park. I tried to find JH's shoes. But somehow I couldn't find a matching ones. I searched everywhere. So I've got no choice but to put different shoes on him. Poor thing! But he would be even poorer if we were at the park and he wasn't allowed to go down cos he hasn't got any shoes on. So I chose the lesser of 2 evils.

When we got to the park, JH fell asleep in his pram. JL played by herself. She got bored. When we were about to walk home, JH woke up and saw the park. Now we couldn't go home. So we stayed on until he was ready to go home




JH was asleep when we got there

On the seesaw

On the slide

On the swing








JL and JH

JL and JH were having Tim Tam

JH - asleep (about to sleep)

Stereg boy

JL - learning how to read

My friend told me about this very useful website (http://www.readingeggs.com.au/) that teaches children how to read in a fun way. I didn't have to force JL to sit down and do. She would ask me to load the page up and she could sit all day doing it, while learning how to read of course. But too bad, it only came with 14 days free trial. After that you have to pay for the software. $99. I'm not willing to pay for it. And we just maximised those 14 days free trial. I heard from my friend whose kid is in prep, the school is using this software too and each student gets his/her own account. I thought, I'll just wait until JL goes to Prep next year and see what the school uses. If the school uses something similar, then why waste my $99, right? *tightass*

Eric and Fen Fen's wedding

It was held at Monash Religious Centre (in Monash uni, Clayton Campus). It brought back memories as I walked there from the carpark. I told JL that I used to study here. But she didn't seem very interested.

The ceremony was held in English then translated in mandarin. So it went a bit longer than usual. And JH couldn't sit still. He was walking up and down the aisle during the ceremony. I tried to sit him next to me, but he would scream really loud and disrupt the ceremony, so I let him walking up and down the aisle instead. I could've taken him outside, but I didn't want to miss the ceremony.

Anyway, beautiful couple, beautiful wedding. Wish you both a happy marriage!!!!

My facebook statuses in Sept 2010

Siska Harrison screamed at Damien, "Can u kill d spider in d toilet?" JL screamed back, "NOOOO, don't kill it!!!! It's my pet!!!" *sigh*... (30/09/10)


Siska Harrison is watching JL patiently feeds JH her peanut butter sandwich. Then she asked him to drink water then she commented, "mana ada jie2 yg spt JL? Ga ada jie2 yg bs sayang JH spt JL. Ma, skg kamu bs bobok. Biar JL yg jaga JH"... (27/09/10)

Siska Harrison screamed "You are driving me nuts, JH!!!!" JL heard that & in her wisdom, letting me know, "Mum, you don't have nuts. Only boys have nuts, mum"... (23/09/10)

Siska Harrison standard questions frm JL everytime I pick her up frm kinder, without fail... 1)What did u & JH do when I was at school? if i give her short answer, she'll ask "What else?" 2) did JH miss me? was he looking for me?... I thought I'm d 1 who's supposed to ask what she was doing at school... (10/09/10)

Siska Harrison Upon hearing me saying, "I haven't got money!" JL went to look for her small purse and opened it and gave me $2 coin "This is all I have, mum. But you can have it because you haven't got any money" I gave it back to her and asked her to keep it. She said, "How about this? On Sunday, you don't have to give me money for the offering cos you haven’t got any money. I’ll give this $2 to God.” Ah, JL..... may God bless you.... (03/09/10)

Siska Harrison ‎'s babysitter has gone to kinder. Now I'm ready to look after d baby cos I had a good sleep this morning after work, thanks to my reliable babysitter... (02/09/10)

Siska Harrison bhs gado2: JL bikin ini rumah all by JL punya self loh, Ma... (01/09/10)

Making onde-onde

Melbourne Museum

We also went to Melbourne Museum. We didn't actually browse through most of the things. Again, I would prefer some 'adults' time so that I can browse slowly, exhibit by exhibit. With kids in tow, we spent most of the time at the children's section

Scienceworks

We went to Scienceworks during school holiday. We spent most of our time upstairs, which is more fun for the kids. I (as an adult) would prefer to go downstairs, but I didn't have a chance to do that. Ah well... as long as the kids were happy.

Ncek and Ncim

Hello Kitty tissue holder

Yes, online shopping IS addictive. Bought another hello kitty stuff... tissue holder =)

Wiwi came and visited us

My highschool friend, Wiwi, came here from Jakarta for a holiday. Her younger sister lives in Boxhill. She came and visited us. Her sister and her niece (Talia) and nephew (Tobi) were coming with her. We went to Werribee Mansion, then later on went to visit another highschool friend, Anyuk, who lives in Bentleigh East. I took photos of the kids, but forgot to take the adults' picture *sigh*

Lunch

Tiramisu

My first attempt at making Tiramisu

JH - 18 months old

JH had his 18 months check up with the maternal child health nurse. Nurse was concerned about his speech. She was expecting him to be able to say at least 6 words. But he can only say 3 words (mama, dada, nana). Nurse wanted to see him again in 2 months time, hoping that there are some improvement, otherwise, she'll send him for a hearing test. I personally don't think he's got any hearing problems because he responded okay when I asked him to do something. I also am not too stressed about his speech. I reckon he's just slow in speech, just like his jie and his dad.

MCH nurse also asked if he could recognise animals. Nope! Everytime I tried to read book with him, he would just ignore me, refusing to look at the book.

MCH nurse asked if he can do animal sounds (eg. sheep - baa baa, dog - woof woof, etc). Nope! The only things come out from his mouth were those 3 words. nothing else! The rest is just baby talk.

He also had his 18 months old immunisation (ie. chicken pox). Cried for a short while but was okay afterwards.

I don't deserve JL

I heard a soft crying noise.... coming from JL's room. So I went to her room and sure enough, there she was, crying quietly.

I asked her, "What's wrong?"

She was still sobbing and shaking and trying to answer my question, "I made something for you at school, but you called it rubbish. Everything that I made, you said it's rubbish"

I felt 100 knives stabbed me at that point.

Yes, everytime I picked her up from kinder, she always had her bag full of her art and craft thingy that she made at school, then her both hands are always full of the stuff she made. Sometimes because she hasn't got any more hand to hold her stuff, she used her teeth to bite and carry the painting or whatever. And I would always say, Why do you always bring so much rubbish home??? because once we get home, those stuff go into my recycle bin and half of my recycle bin was her stuff *sigh*

But I don't know she took it to heart. To me, it is rubbish. But to her, it's something that she devoted her time and concentration and heart into.

I apologised to her. I said I'm so sorry and I started crying

Seeing me crying made her crying even louder.... so loud that Damien came to the room and asked, "What happened?"

I said, "Nothing"

Then he asked JL, "What happened?"

JL said, "I made mummy cry... it's not mummy who made me cry, it's me who made mummy cry"

Hearing that made me sobbing even more.

Anyway, we hugged and let out our cries for at least half an hour or so.

....

I hope she forgives me. she said she did. but how wounded her heart is... I have no way of telling.

Oh, God, You've got to help me to control this mouth of mine... especially when I'm sleepy or tired, I tend to lose control of what's coming out of this foul mouth. You gave me such a good daughter. Help me to be a good mother to her too. Her heart is too kind and too soft. What did she do to deserve such a harsh and bad mother? Poor JL... I love you, JL... always do and always will.

One of the smiley moments

Catching up with Maria

Maria was my room mate when I was still living in South Melbourne. Man... that would be probably in 1997. So I haven't seen her for a while. Saw her briefly when I went home last November. And she came here to attend her sister's wedding. And she managed to squeeze her tight schedule to meet me up. But we couldn't catch up for long because JL wanted to go home (she wasn't feeling well) and JH was driving me crazy by running on the road. He must have thought that the road belongs to his grandpa or something.

We had lunch at Mekhong. Then we went to Target on Bourke St. And while Maria was shopping, JH was pulling books off the shelf. We then just sat down on the bench outside Target. Until I couldn't stand JH anymore then we went home.

I Love Spring

This is what I see everytime I go somewhere or coming home. Canola field. A huge canola field. I stopped on the freeway to take this picture =) It only looks like this in Spring.

Catching up with DC & Anyuk

My highschool friend, Denny Chandra (aka DC) was coming to Melb from Syd, bringing his gf, Pandora with him. It was the first time that we get to see Pandora who previously resided in Singapore. They are getting married next year. Pandora is very pretty, lucky DC!!! hahaha. She's a good cook too.

So we met up in the city with Anyuk (another highschool friend). We had lunch at Spicy Fish Restaurant. Nice food. I couldn't enjoy myself because JH was being a pain in my butt. Crying and screaming THE WHOLE TIME!!!! Damien tried to calm him down, but he's a mummy's boy. He wanted mummy but mummy needed to catch up with all the latest gossips hehehe. So yeah, my catching up was interrupted a lot of times. Not happy with JH!!!!

Anyway... here are a few photos I took that day.

Two pretty gals =)

Watching Rugby League 2010 Final

Damien got the tickets to watch Rugby League 2010 Final from Ticketek for only $1 each. So eventhough we both are not Rugby League fan, we just went. The final was a match between Melbourne Storm vs Newcastle Knights, held at AAMI Park. It was my first time going to any sporting event. I didn't expect it to be THAT noisy. Everytime people cheered, JL and I were just exchanging looks that could be interpreted as this bunch of people are crazy. The fact that I don't know the rules of the games didn't help either. The weather was as crazy as these people. One minute it was sunny and bright and hot, the next minute it was raining and very windy and cloudy. The weather kept switching itself between sunny and bright to cloudy and windy and raining for the whole entire game.

We drove to Ika's place in South Melbourne and parked the car there, then we took a tram from Domain Interchange to Flinders St Station, then changed tram to go to AAMI Park.

After the game finished, we went home... What a day!!! Happy Father's Day!!!!